Thursday, March 19, 2009

Street fighter Legend of Chun Li

Alright, so technically this isn't an anime. However, its based on a game... with manga esque graphics... and uhh.. yeah
So I guess its close enough ...

A more apt title:
Street fighter and cursed film legacy

So essentially, I'll get to what we all already know. This movie was bad.
I walked into the theater knowing that it was going to be a bad movie. Hell, I walked into the theater knowing it was going to be "so bad that it wasn't so bad its good" (might wanna rap your head around that one before continuing)

While watching the movie I had two main thoughts:


Usually the former was closely followed by the latter. Usually they were exclaimed (dont get all annoyed at me, there was like 3 people there)

Alright so I'm not going to really be spoiler sensitive, as trust me: YOU DONT WANT TO SEE THIS FILM. Alright!? I saw this because a certain podcast said that. And then afterward, it specifically said "DO NOT SEE THIS BECAUSE WE JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO BECAUSE WE ARE BEING SERIOUS"

(see those caps? that's my serious tone; it means I'm shouting. When I'm shouting I'm serious. Shouting is serious business)

needless to say, I did the stupid thing and saw it based on that warning.

I regret it.

More than once during the movie I thought one of two things
"oh my god, is it not OVER yet?" and "what movie is this again?"
I was often baffled by the amount of time that had gone by. In the time span of 40 minutes, I felt like I could have traveled around the world several times. Other then that, it also didn't share much resemblance to the game that it claimed to be based off of.
Hey do you remember that part in street fighter where all those swat team members had that massive shootout with M.Bison's thugs? No? neither do I.
In fact (just a little fun fact here) The ONLY character who was a "Good guy" archtype character that was also from street fighter was Chun-Li.
Oh yeah also Chun-li was not a hardened Interpol cop, rather a professional piano player (???)

So basicly the plot goes like this

One day Chun-li is playin a concert when she gets a cool scroll. She seems unable to read the scroll despite speaking fluent Chinese (the language it is written in). Then her mom dies. Then because of her mom dying, she decides to get someone to translate the scroll (oh this is funny) in China town. Yes thats right. Despite the movie being in china, she goes to china town (in china)

Its like double china!!!

So then the scroll says to "find this dude named Gen in Bangkok" (not Ken, dont get your hopes up... and uh not exactly)
So despite not knowing who sent the scroll, she decides to completely abandon her current life and go life on the streets of Bangkok. Yes that's right. A different country.
Also Bangkok is a PRETTY HUGE PLACE... so like eventually she finds this Gen dude who makes her some kind of hyper 1337 ninja.

And then M.Bison is trying to buy the slums because he's evil.
Oh yeah, M.Bison is one tough character! you see: He's evil because he's evil. The back story provided as to why he's so evil is that "He was an evil child, and then he wanted to be more evil, so he went into a dark cave and sealed his goodness into his unborn child"

Yeah thanks for that, cept it doesn't explain WHY he was evil in the first place.

Maybe he was just one really bad dude (who was angry because some over bad dudes were more bad than him therefore got all the burgers from the president)

So then through a bunch of other shit happening, Chun-li eventually shoots a fireball at him and knocks him off a building in a terribly anti-climactic fight scene.

The end.

Alright now into the other things about the film.

The acting was actually a mixed bag. Some actors actually pulled off their rolls well, and when it counted. Some actors over acted. Mostly however it was just pretty bad.

Fights in this movie were quite badly done. Its a shame too, because they looked like they could have been pretty sweet fights! however instead they had WAY to many cuts and you couldn't really tell what was going on.

Musically this movie was ... umm mostly alright. Forgettable, but alright.
Exept for this one part... this one hilariously badly done part ... in a club. There is a rap about street fighter.
Yeah, a rap about street fighter. Actually I take that back, cause it was mostly juse people repeating the words "street" and "fighter" over and over again.
I found that the piano concerto at the beginning was particularly strange, as it started in the key of F and modulated very far from the original key to B flat, the strangeness was also added to the fact that the whole thing switched between 12/4 time and 7/4 time .... Kidding (but that would be pretty sweet ....)

So combine that with some hilariously bad lines ("bitch! I'll cut you. Bitch!" - vega, "I stand up when its hard to stand up" - Chun-li) and you have an unholy package of evil, not unlike Seth in street fighter 4.
(insert obligatory package joke here)

To sum it up, I give it 0/9999 stars
it earns 0 experience points
it earns 0 magic points
it earns 0 love points
it earns 0 gold
it earns 0 friendship points
it earns 0 apatite points
it earns 0 kindness points
it earns 0 homework score points
and if you recognize how nerdy those previous were, then YOU loose 400$ and go directly to jail, without passing go.

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